A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a schoolteacher with a chain saw, " he says.
"You lying bastard!" a man in the courtroom shouts.
"Silence in the court!"" the judge bellows. He turns to the defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Goddamn you!" shouts the same guy, inturrupting the judge again.
You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.
Throw the book at him.. the man starts to shout.
Be quiet or I will hold you in contempt! the judge thunders back.
Sorry judge, the man replies, but that-a-hole's been living next door to me for 10 years, and do you think he's ever once had a tool for me when I needed to borrow one?.
A guy visits his doctor complaining about uncontrollable flatulence. The doc tells him to undress, then leaves the room. Moments later he returns carrying a long stick with a hook on the end.
My God! says the guy, in terror. What are you going to do with that?
I'm going to open a window, cracks the doctor. It stinks in here.
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the
least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to American hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.
He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asked the man.
"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work.
The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on.
And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.
A Polish lad married a
Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his
English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed
into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him --
"very quick."
The lawyer said that he
could. Speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked
him the following questions:
LAWYER: Do you have any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She is going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?<
POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store, and put on shelf in the bathroom.
LAWYER: What was written on the bottle?
POLE: I can read. It said, "Polish Remover."
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."
"Would you care to do it again?" he asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."
"AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"???????????????
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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Old Lady 1: What's that?
Old Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Old Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Old Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, old lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Old Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
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She married and had 13 children. Her husband soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs
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A Sindhi walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Sindhi hands over the keys of a new Mercedes parked on the
street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Mercedes
into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had
Your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your bank a/c and found
that you are multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The Sindhi replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
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Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"He thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Honey, ` he told me, `I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace. `"
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, `Please use this money to buy a nice casket. ` So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, `Please use this for a nice funeral.` I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, `Please use this to buy a nice stone. `"
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her diamond ring, she said, "So, do you like my stone?"
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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the
Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the
Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the
Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged
man named Moishe to represent them.
Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting,
neither side would be allowed to talk.
The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope
waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground
where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled
out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good.
The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had
happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to
show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer
to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me
of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?"
they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know
that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes, And then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took
out mine."
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DEMOCRAT - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST - You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST - You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM (AMERICAN STYLE) - You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY (AMERICAN STYLE) - You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY (AMERICAN STYLE) - You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION - You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION - You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cow you really have.
FLORIDA CORPORATION - You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION - You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas!
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A Sardar applied for admission to a Medical College. He never made it thru the Common Entrance Test.
You will never guess why!!!! Here's his answer paper.
Define the following:
ANTI BODY - against everyone ARTERY - the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria BENIGN - what you be after eight
BOWEL - letters like a, e, I, o, u. CAESAREAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of card playing CAT SCAN - searching for a lost kitty
CHRONIC - the neck of a crow COMA - punctuation mark
CORTISONE - area around the local court CYST - short for sister
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose DILATE - the late British Princess Diana
DISLOCATION - in this place DUODENUM - a couple in blue jeans
ENEMA - not a friend FALSE LABOUR - pretending to work
GENES - blue denim GROIN - smile
HERNIA - she close by HYMEN - greeting to several men
IMPOTENT - distinguished / well known LABOUR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - people without feet LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MENOPAUSE - me no wait MICROBES - small dressing gown
OBESITY - city of Obe PACEMAKER - winner of the Nobel Peace Prize
PROTEIN - in favor of teens PULSE - grain
RED BLOOD COUNT – Dracula RUPTURE - ecstasy
SECRETION - hiding something SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough
SUTURE - Gujarati for 'what do you want' TABLET - a small table
TUMOUR - an extra pair ULTRASOUND - radical noise
URINE - opposite of you're out VARICOSE - very close
VAS DEFERENS - extremely difficult VEIN - at what time
VITREOUS HUMOR - witty & funny